


it might be okay (but i'm not fine at all)

by LauraHollis



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 10:01:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3063722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauraHollis/pseuds/LauraHollis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Carmilla nodded, numb to what she was admitting. Laura was dying. Soon. And she wouldn’t be leaving much behind.<br/>Besides me. Carmilla thought bitterly, They always leave me behind.'</p><p>Carmilla falls in love, and Laura goes to Hogwarts. </p><p>[not an HP AU]</p>
            </blockquote>





	it might be okay (but i'm not fine at all)

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of depression, suicide and eating disorders, but nothing explicit! Tremendous thanks to petemintz.tumblr.com for beta reading. Title from All Too Well by Taylor Swift.

Carmilla was fifteen when she was hospitalized for hemolytic anemia.

**  
**

Her adoptive mom didn’t care, much, but they had money, so treatment was paid for easily. Carmilla had to come in for blood transfusions every once in a while, but since she lived so close and she did not enjoy making friends at her private school, she spent most of her time volunteering. The scent and taste of death and disinfectant was sort of... therapeutic, at this point.

**  
**

She read to kids, mostly, or spoke to kids around her own age whose futures were more ill fated than her own. It gave her perspective. She liked having that; most of her generation did not possess such a gift.

**  
**

There’s a new girl on the 3rd floor, the nurses told her, that could use some comfort. Carmilla nodded, burying her hands in her sweater pockets, and walking toward the elevator without anyone stopping her. Even without her special, lamented ‘visitor’ pass, no one would bat an eye. People around her knew her. _Respected_ her.

**  
**

That’s not something she got outside these walls, and she’d be damned if she intended on losing it anytime soon.

**  
**

“Hollis?” she knocked on the door, ajar enough that she could poke her head in.

**  
**

“...Laura Hollis, yeah.” she wrung her hands timidly, “Who are you?”

**  
**

“Carmilla. I’m the welcoming committee, sweetheart.” she grinned, waiting for a reaction before continuing. “I’m a patient here, too. Sometimes. Get some blood transfused, my anemia under control. The works.” she shrugged, sitting in the chair next to this girl-- Laura, was it?-- and leaned on her palm. “Anyway, cupcake, how old are you?”

**  
**

The small girl looked at her, chewing her lip. “Seventeen.”

**  
**

Carmilla raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “Yeah? Me too. I’ll be eighteen, soon, though, and able to get the hell out of this place. Styria, I mean. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay too far away from a hospital for too long at a time.”

**  
**

She paused, gaze wandering out the window to the parking lot outside. The air conditioning abruptly jolted awake and brought Carmilla back to her senses. “But, that’s life. Which reminds me; what’re you in for?”

**  
**

The air felt suddenly colder, as Laura looked down at herself in the hospital gown that Carmilla knew was itchy and thin, much alike to wearing a tablecloth.

**  
**

“It’s really no big deal.” she picked at her nails, “I’m sure I’ll be out soon.”

**  
**

Carmilla had learned not to press for this kind of information, and she shut up about it.

**  
**

“Well, sundance, what do you want to do? I have access to every board game ranging from the sixties to the nineties, some books, every Disney movie known to this world, and full access to the kitchen.” she carefully rest her hand atop of Laura’s, rubbing her thumb in gentle circles, “You down for anything like that?”

**  
**

She nearly smiled. “Do you have the Harry Potter movies?”

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

A few days later, Laura’d been moved to the ‘long term’ ward.

**  
**

Her father works two jobs and doesn’t have enough time to watch after her at home, Carmilla heard the nurses gossip, but he visits when he can.

**  
**

When Carmilla stopped by to say hello, she smelled the flowers before she saw them.

**  
**

“What, your family a bunch of florists?” she cracked, shattering the overwhelming silence in the room like a bullet to glass. Laura, startled, looked up at her.

**  
**

“Uh… well, mom’s side is… influential, I guess. If that’s the right word?”

**  
**

“Say no more,” she held a hand up, shaking her head. “My mom, too. Crazy bitch, but gives me enough money that I’ll be able to get out of here and live on my own easily. Nice perk. What about yours?”

**  
**

Laura shifted, gaze falling upon a vase full of daisies.

**  
**

“She died when I was twelve, actually.” Laura chuckled, void of any humor.

**  
**

Shit. “Uh… I-- fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I mean, my birth parents are dead, so I get the struggle.”

**  
**

“That… sucks. I mean, I couldn’t imagine losing both. After mom died, my dad got really… protective. Like… I’m trained in three different forms in defensive combat, have day of the week ‘bear spray’... so, you can imagine his reaction to my diagnosis.” Laura’s face screwed up in thought, “I feel like I failed him, somehow. He did all this stuff to make sure he didn’t lose me, too, and my body’s like, ‘Nah, man. We have other plans.’. ...I don’t want him to be alone.”

**  
**

Carmilla kept her silence, the words on her tongue dying abruptly. She knew, by now, the key words to look out for. Her fingers danced over the back of Laura’s hand, masking any sort of pity. Patients didn’t need her pity; they got enough of it from everyone else. “Hey. We only watched the first Potter movie. We have seven more lined up, plus bonus features. Look at it this way, cupcake; if you weren’t here, you wouldn’t be with me, right?”

**  
**

Laura ignored the glint in Carmilla’s eyes, “You’re so full of it… but, you’re right. I’m always in the mood to go to Hogwarts.”

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

Carmilla didn’t see Laura all the time. When she was too busy with chemo (so, it’s some sort of cancer. how ironic.), she spent time with Lola, a few rooms down. She didn’t really need the company, per say; LaFontaine, Lola’s best friend in the ward, was almost always allowed to hang out in her room. Shit had gone down on the occasions anyone tried to separate them, and considering the reason for LaF’s admittance, they never pushed them too much.

**  
**

“Oh. Carmilla. How are you, today? Are you here on your own, or…” Lola, or, _Perry_ , as LaF called her, trailed off.

**  
**

“On my own. Helping the new girl down the hall.”

**  
**

LaFontaine toyed with one of Perry’s curls. “It’s not every day we get a newbie checking in. We should initiate Shark Bait, over there.”

**  
**

“LaFontaine,” Perry chided, “It’s not polite to make light of her situation. The long term ward is a difficult transition for anyone. We all know that.”

**  
**

“Exactly, Per. I wish some guiding light would have made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I mean, if I didn’t have you, who knows what would have happened?” they kissed Perry’s temple, and Carmilla rolled her eyes. Affection? Gross.

**  
**

“She’s in chemo right now, anyway.” Carmilla shrugged, taking a seat next to the ginger twins.

**  
**

“...oh, another cancer patient?” Perry asked quietly, “Oh, this is… this is going to be Ell all over aga--” LaFontaine hit Perry’s arm with the back of their hand before she could finish. “Oh, I… I apologize, Carmilla. That was insensitive of me.”

**  
**

“It’s whatever. Ell is gone and Laura isn’t replacing her, if that’s what you’re insinuating.” Carmilla scoffed, picking at her nails.

**  
**

“Well,” LaFontaine broke the awkward silence, to the two girls’ relief. “Let us know when she’s out of chemo and feeling up to socializing. In the meantime, though,” they draped an arm around Perry’s shoulders, “Carmilla, you wanna watch reruns of Friends ‘til our brains melt?”

**  
**

“As irresistible as that offer is, I think I’ll pass.”

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

“Hey.” Carmilla was clad in an all too familiar hospital gown, leaning in the doorway of Laura’s room. The girl dog-eared the page of her novel, turning to greet her visitor.

**  
**

“Oh, uh… hey! You’re… oh. You’re here to get blood work done?”

**  
**

“Yeah.” she shrugged, “No big deal. It is, however, a big day for you. There’s a floor meeting today in the commons area down the hall. You, uh… still haven’t left your room?”

**  
**

Laura nodded, pulling at a thread in her bedsheets.

**  
**

“...yeah, so, you’ll be meeting LaFontaine, Perry, and Brody. Everyone calls him Kirsh, though. Last names are really a thing, here. They’re all pretty okay. Danny, the giant intern here, usually chills with everyone there, and I join occasionally. It starts in fifteen. C’mon, Hollis. I’ll walk you there.”

**  
**

Laura blushed, stuttering, “I… I’ll be there, soon. You go on without me and I’ll meet you there?”

**  
**

Carmilla raised an eyebrow, but didn’t push it. “Uh, yeah. Sure. See you in a few, cupcake.”

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

When Danny wheeled Laura into the room minutes before the meeting began, Carmilla wanted nothing more but to bang her skull into the nearest wall. Of course, she made the girl uncomfortable because she _couldn’t fucking walk_.

**  
**

“Hey, disabled hottie,” Kirsh nodded to Laura, and she grimaced.

**  
**

“Keep your comments to yourself, Brody.” Danny warned, putting her hair back in a hairband. “Anyway, uh, hey guys! Nice to see you all together, and I know we have a new face here, so if everyone wants to introduce themselves, that’d be great. I’ll start. I’m Danny Lawrence, I work here as an intern and I’m taking nursing classes at the local college.”

**  
**

Perry cleared her throat after a few moments. “Uh, hello. I’m Lola Perry, I have, um, I have severe OCD and I’ve, um… I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder. So.”

**  
**

LaFontaine saluted everyone, a fake cheer upon their face. “Hey, everyone, I’m LaFontaine, I’m nineteen, and I’m here because I’ve tried killing myself in every which way imaginable.”

**  
**

“LaFontaine!” Perry gasped, tapping her shoulder in annoyance, “You shouldn’t be… making _light_ of your situation.”

**  
**

“Hey, dudes. I’m Kirsh, or, like, Brody, I guess. I have a problem with my liver. Cirrhosis. NBD.”

**  
**

“I’m Carmilla.” she stated bluntly. “Hemolytic anemia. You know the story.”

**  
**

All eyes were on Laura. She bit her lip, staring down at her blanket-covered legs.

**  
**

“I’m Laura… Hollis. And I have Ewing’s sarcoma. In my legs, I mean. It spread, though, and I don’t have a lot of time left, according the life expectancy. But... I have hope. Someone has to take care of my dad, right? Ha.”

**  
**

“It’s great to meet you, Laura,” Perry offered her hand, “We’re not strangers to cancer. A friend of ours, actually--”

**  
**

“--aaand, that’s enough, Per.” LaFontaine interrupted, slinging an arm around her.

**  
**

The silence that followed was uncomfortable, to say the least. After everyone was surely about to choke on the dead air, Danny clapped her hands together. “Well, that was a nice introduction. Anyone want to share something that’s been on their mind, lately?”

**  
**

LaFontaine raised their hand.

**  
**

“...anyone besides LaFontaine?”

**  
**

They pouted. Danny sighed. “Fine.”

**  
**

“So, I’ve been thinking, lately. What if I’m here for the rest of my life? What if I have to eat the shitty food delivered to me at every mealtime, and have people constantly watching my every move? But, I mean, if that means I also have Per with me, and Carmilla, and hell, even Kirsh… I don’t think it’d be so terrible.”

**  
**

Carmilla noticed the tiny smile on Laura’s lips, and it nearly cracked open her heart.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

When Carmilla was free to go after her blood transfusion, she stumbled upon Laura playing some worn, musty board game with the ginger twins.

**  
**

“You guys… you were saying something about a friend of yours with cancer?”

**  
**

Perry and LaF looked at each other, worry staining their features. “Well, um. Ell was in the ward with us up until a few months ago. She… she and Carmilla--”

**  
**

“--Carmilla what?” she interrupted them, leaning in the doorframe. Perry’s cheeks went red as her hair.

**  
**

“Nothing, dear. Would you like to join us for a game of Monopoly?”

**  
**

Carmilla snorted, rolling her eyes. “I’ll pass, thanks.”

**  
**

Laura frowned, and Carmilla pretended not to notice.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

Danny was beginning to be in Laura’s room more often than Carmilla was.

**  
**

She brought her CDs, let Laura tape her for her vlog, braided her hair.

**  
**

It made Carmilla ill.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

“Hey.” Laura smiled softly, deep purple rings under her eyes. “It’s been a while.”

**  
**

Carmilla nodded, dropping her bag by the door. “You look like Hell.” she stated bluntly, pulling a chair up next to her bed.

**  
**

“I was starting to think I wouldn’t see you again.”

**  
**

“School’s getting hectic. Finals for the semester, and whatever.”

**  
**

Laura took a deep breath. “I missed you.”

**  
**

Carmilla huffed. Of course, of _course_ this would happen again. “You too, cupcake.”

**  
**

The tiny, impossibly tiny girl smiled so hard it seemed she may break her jaw. “Great! Cause, I was thinking, we could go to the courtyard today? I’ve been wanting to sit in the gazebo for a while. Or just get some fresh air, since it’s getting warmer.”

**  
**

Carmilla tensed, drawing patterns on Laura’s veiny, bony hand. “...sure, buttercup.”

**  
**

God, she had to stop with this ‘falling for the dying girl’ thing. It was getting old real fast.

**  
**

Carmilla ignored the lumps on Laura’s legs as best she could as she wheeled her outside.

**  
**

“Gosh, it’s so nice out! I don’t think I’ve felt this good in _weeks_!” Laura threw her head back, wheeling herself around the grass. Carmilla watched from a distance, eyes blank and mind ten thousand miles away.

**  
**

_“Carmy, we’re going to get in trouble!” Ell laughs, long hair flowing behind her as they slip around the kitchen. Carmilla thinks she looks like a fairy, chocolate locks half twisted into braids not unlike a crown on her head._

_**  
** _

_“If we do, it’s all on me. You want candy? We’re getting you some damn candy, Ellie.”_

**  
**

“Carm?” Laura asked, waking the older girl from her stupor.

**  
**

“Mm? Oh-- fuck. Yeah. Hey.”

**  
**

Laura studied her, face bunched up in a thoughtful expression. “You okay?”

**  
**

“Yeah,” she took her hand, rubbing her thumb over the back of her hand. “Just… thinking about someone.”

**  
**

The other girl understood immediately. “Is… is it Ell?”

**  
**

Carmilla laughed bitterly.

**  
**

“...is that why you hang out with me so much? Because I remind you of her?” Laura didn’t seem hurt by this statement; it was an honest question.

**  
**

She walked over to a stone bench, sitting down, and Laura followed her.

**  
**

“No. I mean, you do. God, you’re so much like her…” she shook her head, taking in a sharp breath, “But I like _you,_ Laura. I--”

**  
**

Laura kissed her. Her lips were chapped and dry, and she had no idea what to do with her tongue, but it sent sparks throughout her entire body.

**  
**

Carmilla pulled away first, brushing hair out of Laura’s face.

**  
**

“I really like you, Carmilla. That-- that was stupid of me, wasn’t it?” she licked her lips, “I mean, I know that you probably don’t see me that way and really just feel bad for me because I’m dying, but--”

**  
**

Carmilla shut her up with another kiss.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

They weren’t dating. At least, not if you asked Carmilla.

**  
**

Sure, she held her hand when the pain got too intense, kissed her when she was done with a session of chemo, and brought her Chinese food every Friday. Maybe Carmilla would fall asleep in the chair next to Laura’s cot, and maybe their hands had wandered and groped shyly over cotton shirts and plastic-esque hospital gowns.

**  
**

But girlfriends? No.

**  
**

It would hurt that much more when things got worse.

**  
**

And they did.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

When she got down to ninety pounds, Carmilla knew it was only a matter of time.

**  
**

“Oh, Carm…” her voice was thick and raspy, hands shaking as she reached under her her bed. “I know your birthday was a few weeks ago, but I never had the chance to get you anything, so…”

**  
**

The sketch was folded over twice, and the lead had rubbed away a bit, but it was unmistakably Carmilla.

**  
**

Her hands shook as she took a breath. “I love it, cupcake. I’ll put it up on my wall.”

**  
**

“Good.” she wore a proud, satisfied smile. “Now lay with me.”

**  
**

Carmilla looked to her as if she’d just asked her to murder someone.

**  
**

“What?” Carm stuttered, “Cupcake, that’s not--... I don’t think that’s the best idea, you know, considering--”

**  
**

“I get it.” Laura huffed. “You’re afraid to hurt me. You-- you know my dad won’t even touch me? He sits on the other side of the room and tells me about work. He doesn’t ask about how I’m feeling, hell, he doesn’t even _look_ at me, most of the time!”

**  
**

Carmilla silently kicked off her shoes, and gently moved Laura’s legs over. She smiled through the pain with tears in her eyes.

**  
**

She held her for the first time, this impossibly frail and tiny girl, and she pressed her chest into her back, getting lost in the heat that radiated from her being.

**  
**

“I love you. ...I know it’s a stupid time to say it, but it’s not like I’m got much left, so I thought, ‘hey, it’s now or never’, so--”

**  
**

Carmilla pressed kisses to the back of Laura’s neck. “You too, sundance.”

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

“Hey, Hollis. Pretty ballsy getting here without any help,” Danny greeted her, only half joking.

**  
**

“...I had Kirsh push me most of the way, honestly.” Laura sighed, wheeling herself over to the circle of patients.

**  
**

The meeting went as it usually did. LaFontaine made some self deprecating jokes, Perry celebrated eating a few squares of chocolate, Kirsh made advances at everyone in the room, Carmilla rolled her eyes constantly. Danny sighed often while Laura listened and laughed along quietly.

**  
**

Carmilla caught Danny staring at Laura, and although it could possibly be categorized as just a nurse inspecting a patient, Carmilla draped her arm around her _not_ girlfriend.

**  
**

She smirked at Danny’s uncomfortable blush.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

Laura’s first time was filled with sweaty palms and skin against skin and delicious friction and _oh fuck, Carmilla_.

**  
**

That was, until LaFontaine walked in without knocking.

**  
**

“Why are you guys-- oh. _Oh_. Jeez, warn a person!” they slammed the door shut, and Laura laughed.

**  
**

“Not how I imagined my first time.” she laughed breathily, still grinding up against her fingers. “But perfect, nonetheless.”

**  
**

Carmilla’s fingers ran over her jutting hipbones, her ribs, her flat stomach. She felt ill.

**  
**

She kissed her with much less force, and Laura pretended she didn’t notice.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

“You know what’s stupid?” she brought up one day, shovelling frozen yogurt into her mouth, _Avengers_ playing in the background. Carmilla turned to raise an eyebrow, silently answering. “I don’t get one of those Make a Wish things. Like… I could. But I’m too…” she stopped herself, blanching. “...you know?”

**  
**

Carmilla took the spoon out of her mouth slowly. “What would your wish be, cupcake?”

**  
**

Laura paused, lips jutting out, brow furrowed in deep thought. “You know, I… I hadn’t really thought of that. Meeting Jo Rowling is the first thing that comes to mind, or Daniel Radcliffe. But, that’s stupid, isn’t it? I mean, if I had a real wish, it’d be to see my eighteenth birthday. ...ohhh, that got sad. Sorry.”

**  
**

Carmilla sighed and put an arm around her. “Don’t talk like that, La--”

**  
**

“--I want you to have my video camera. When… the time comes. I want you to have it.” she grabbed Carmilla’s hands with a strength Carm didn’t know she possessed. “Promise me you’ll have it. Okay?”

**  
**

Carmilla nodded, numb to what she was admitting. Laura was dying. Soon. And she wouldn’t be leaving much behind.

**  
**

_Besides me._ Carmilla thought bitterly, _They always leave me behind._

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

“Carmilla?” Laura asked one day, towards the end. Carmilla looked up from her book and gazed at her expectantly. “Do you believe in Heaven?”

**  
**

“I do.” She didn’t.

**  
**

Laura relaxed slightly, laying back on her pillow. “I’ve been wondering what it’ll be like, lately. They say it’s the place you love most.”

**  
**

Carmilla leaned towards her, running her fingers through her hair, “And where’s that for you?”

**  
**

“Hogwarts.”

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

Laura is too tired to do much of anything, anymore. They’d hooked her up to multiple machines and she was having trouble breathing on her own now more than ever.

**  
**

Her breath was slow and thick and the pauses in between sent Carmilla’s heart racing.

**  
**

“Hey, cupcake,” she stroked her cheek, “How you feeling?”

**  
**

Laura’s eyes stay closed, but she spoke softly, _“Just hold me?”_

**  
**

Carmilla didn’t say another word for the rest of the visit, and Carmilla fell asleep in the chair with Laura’s frail hand in her own.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

Laura Elizabeth Hollis died on a warm summer Tuesday while Carmilla was asleep in the chair beside her. She didn’t look peaceful. She didn’t look like she was sleeping.

**  
**

She looked like she’d been dead for weeks.

**  
**

Mr. Hollis didn’t visit before they took her body away. It was just Carmilla and ginger squad.

**  
**

Perry didn’t look much better than Laura, at this point. LaFontaine gripped her tighter.

**  
**

Carmilla knows Danny never cried. She took her job seriously and as a nurse, she thought it best to not show emotion when faced with death. It was merely a part of the job.

**  
**

That didn’t stop her from falling to her knees, muffling sobs against LaFontaine’s chest.

**  
**

Carmilla stared at the camera on the side table for what felt like hours before pressing a kiss to Laura’s forehead one last time and snatching the object before anyone could stop her.

**  
**

She knew, at Danny’s heart wrenching sobs, Laura was no longer in the room, and soon, it’d be like she was never there.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

Carmilla is watching through the videos, now. She watches Laura doing pill ‘shots’ with water and Danny laughing, and even without the timestamp, she knows it’s months ago. Laura’s healthier and full of personality and light. Nothing like the corpse of a young girl she knew only hours ago.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

The funeral is short, small. She was homeschooled and her mother’s side didn’t bother to show face. Danny, LaFontaine, Perry, Kirsh and Carmilla were joined only by Mr. Hollis, a few cousins and aunts, and a girl who was on her softball team years ago.

**  
**

It’s a perfect-- if she dare use the word-- picture of Ell’s funeral. Right down the the shade of oak of the damned coffin.

**  
**

The only difference was the girl who rested inside.

**  
**

LaFontaine helped Carmilla make the videos into memorial sort of thing. Mr. Hollis even provided some home videos of her and her mother, with Laura’s chubby cheeks and hair in short braids. Carmilla almost smiles.

**  
**

Almost.

**  
**

xXxXxXxXxXx

**  
**

“There’s a new girl who needs cheering up,” the nurses say as she passes them a few months later. She looks at her strangely, knowing it’s LaFontaine who needs cheering up, as Perry’s been getting worse. “Dealing with a nasty bout of cancer.” At that, however, she follows the instructions to the previously empty room in the long term ward and knocks.

**  
**

“Harris?”

**  
**

“....Emmy Harris, yeah. Who are you?”

**  
**

Carmilla shakes her head, _here we go again._

**  
**“Carmilla. I’m the welcoming committee, sweetheart.”


End file.
